I'm not gonna pretend to know what's going on with the economy or let alone try to come up with theories as to whose fault it is and how we should fix it.
I do know this. I'm poor.
Today, I got an e-mail from Residential Services at Montclair State University stating that I wasn't chosen for the Residential Assistant position. My mind didn't go to why. I know why; the interview was terribly awkward. Why? I don't know. I couldn't read my interviewer. My mind went to sulking.
That was the second job this month that I got turned down for. The maybe 20th job this year I didn't get.
I don't know why. I don't even want to start thinking as to why yet.
It's the loss of something I've never had- a professional life. The loss of The American Dream I never dreamed up for myself. Yet, it is the only way I see to survive. I don't want to know why I can't achieve or come close to anything my mother had hoped for me (but never prepared me for).
Is this what happens when we have a dream? We lose it (even if we somehow achieve it).
After all this, George says, "Well at least you tried." I understood that this was coming from a difference place than just conciliation, it was coming from his personal standpoint on the job situation. Either way, there is no excuse for me not having job.
I often hear, "But you're a student. School is your job."
No, my job is to keep myself alive. I am doing a shitty job. (Imagine if I had offspring.)
Yoda said, "Do or do not. There is no try."
Has our economical situation gotten so terrible that we really should stick to these principles for survival? Has it gotten that bad that really and truly, sincerely there is no "try" anymore. Are we about to see deaths from poverty amongst ourselves?
We will not be able to turn a blind eye on it like we have been for the bums on the street. This time it will be our family members and friends. No, this time it will be people we try to help out but for whatever reason they cannot help themselves.
I am part of this group of people who cannot help themselves. I was never taught how. I was hoping for a while my instincts would kick in. But they have not. I'm left with desperation and my thoughts. But my thoughts don't enable me to get anywhere near a job because they are thoughts of impending doom. They have to be converted again and again for about a year now to positive energy.
Yet, I fear I am fooling myself.
We are not in control. And we fool ourselves again because we don't know who is in control. And in our free country, don't know what to do about it.
Where is my education now? Will knowing Shakespeare save me?
And what does this say about me? My education? Because I quote Yoda- a fictional character- does that make me a dumb American? So deeply impressed by Yoda and his words of wisdom that I won't be able to make it in capitalism, the traditional scheme that our country is built upon? Or does that make me adaptable?
If I were to move abroad, how would I be useful?
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It seems what Yoda meant when speaking that now-famous quote was that one should devote themselves utterly to a task and/or a responsibility. Ultimately we are all lost, no matter the time, place, or country, no matter the level of education or political background. We fool ourselves into thinking our plans are more indestructable the more finely-tuned we 'think' they are.
ReplyDeleteBut the best-layed plans of mice and men usually go awry. Yet there are so many of us who fail to remember that... or never knew it at all. But in order to survive (our most basic instinct as a lifeform), we must adapt. And in order to adapt, we must commit ourselves utterly to the tasks and responsibilities at hand. We must make our actions count - whether decidedly negative or positive.
In the end, all that matters is what you've done.
I thought for a while I was an idiot for not getting a job, hell, not even being able to land an interview. It's scary that it's also other people in the same position as I am. I really hope this shit works itself out somehow. I really do.
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