Sunday, March 7, 2010


It turns out whenever I dream nowadays I can only picture myself with long hair although I cut my hair early December of last year. And now that I think back on it, I'm pretty sure that whenever I cut my hair short I also saw myself with long hair.

I wonder if people ever actually adapt. I guess it might depend on the level of trauma achieved or if the hairstyle has made such a strong impression that it alters the persons self-image.

The reason I even thought of this is I had a dream in which a girl I went to high school with cut my hair and we were laughing really hard about it. When I remembered the dream I remembered that I my hair is short. Also, since this dream I haven't had one in which I have short hair. I don't find that peculiar, I'm just stating.

Friday, March 5, 2010

Unemployment: Yoda's Impact on Today's Shitty Economy

I'm not gonna pretend to know what's going on with the economy or let alone try to come up with theories as to whose fault it is and how we should fix it.

I do know this. I'm poor.

Today, I got an e-mail from Residential Services at Montclair State University stating that I wasn't chosen for the Residential Assistant position. My mind didn't go to why. I know why; the interview was terribly awkward. Why? I don't know. I couldn't read my interviewer. My mind went to sulking.

That was the second job this month that I got turned down for. The maybe 20th job this year I didn't get.

I don't know why. I don't even want to start thinking as to why yet.

It's the loss of something I've never had- a professional life. The loss of The American Dream I never dreamed up for myself. Yet, it is the only way I see to survive. I don't want to know why I can't achieve or come close to anything my mother had hoped for me (but never prepared me for).

Is this what happens when we have a dream? We lose it (even if we somehow achieve it).

After all this, George says, "Well at least you tried." I understood that this was coming from a difference place than just conciliation, it was coming from his personal standpoint on the job situation. Either way, there is no excuse for me not having job.

I often hear, "But you're a student. School is your job."

No, my job is to keep myself alive. I am doing a shitty job. (Imagine if I had offspring.)

Yoda said, "Do or do not. There is no try."

Has our economical situation gotten so terrible that we really should stick to these principles for survival? Has it gotten that bad that really and truly, sincerely there is no "try" anymore. Are we about to see deaths from poverty amongst ourselves?

We will not be able to turn a blind eye on it like we have been for the bums on the street. This time it will be our family members and friends. No, this time it will be people we try to help out but for whatever reason they cannot help themselves.

I am part of this group of people who cannot help themselves. I was never taught how. I was hoping for a while my instincts would kick in. But they have not. I'm left with desperation and my thoughts. But my thoughts don't enable me to get anywhere near a job because they are thoughts of impending doom. They have to be converted again and again for about a year now to positive energy.

Yet, I fear I am fooling myself.

We are not in control. And we fool ourselves again because we don't know who is in control. And in our free country, don't know what to do about it.

Where is my education now? Will knowing Shakespeare save me?

And what does this say about me? My education? Because I quote Yoda- a fictional character- does that make me a dumb American? So deeply impressed by Yoda and his words of wisdom that I won't be able to make it in capitalism, the traditional scheme that our country is built upon? Or does that make me adaptable?

If I were to move abroad, how would I be useful?

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

For Lazy Readers- From a Lazy Writer with an Overworked Mind/Conscience

For those of you who don't know me well enough yet: You will come to find yourselves very disappointed with me as a person at the end of my blogs.

This is not so much a disclaimer as it is an observation and perhaps even an experiment.

The reason I say this is because I have started this new blog and turns out as eager as I am to write in it I'm not sure that I will ever be able to finish a good blog. I call it a perhaps experiment because maybe I could tie myself down to writing in this as I used to in high school. But this time it will be about things that are relevant to the advancement of myself and maybe even the advancement of mankind.

With that said, have patience.

I'm not that insecure that it will be an interesting blog. I am more unsure that I won't make enough time for it and make it a priority. Yet, I should. Writing is my life. I write in my head all day and never follow through by putting it in ink or paper. Why? Lazinezz? Feelings of inadequacy? Both of the above.

After all, all writers have that discouraging voice in their head- however taciturn or maddening.

All writers are schizophrenic but have to learn to listen to the right voice, the voice that brings all the voices to order, the Caesar voice, the one that will rule and tweak all that is wrong with those voices yelling at once. However, it still needs to keep the virtues of those voices and make you write...

the empire that is your mind.